Mango-Passion

Dad,

My life now mostly consists of “what if’s” and “why didn’t I’s”. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. I relive that night every day of my life and I ask myself the same questions in the same order and I never get a different response. I knew something wasn’t right. I could tell something was missing but the lights were bright, everyone was screaming, my head couldn’t get around all the questions and the numbers and the percentages to see what was right in front of me. I don’t think I ever looked up and saw the whole scene. I can see everything in the mind, clear as day, bright as a summer afternoon but I can’t see the whole scene. Most days I feel like I’m watching the whole thing happen to a complete stranger. I can feel the pain, I can smell how awful everything is but I can’t touch anything. I’m like a ghost caught, watching my whole world shatter while I stand motionless. Deer in the headlights, car on the tracks, whatever cliche you like I’m trapped. No one responds to my touch, they all just cry and cry and cry and scream, mostly they just scream and I can’t do anything to make them stop, to comfort them, to make it go away. I pray that you were gone before all the screaming started. I wish that I could go back. I’d relive it all again, I’d sit there squishing my leg around, creeping everyone out with my dazed stare. I’d wipe away the blood, I’d answer all the mindless questions and I’d watch them sew me back together again if I could just say goodbye…If I could just say “I love you and I promise to make sure everything is okay.” I hope you can see us all. I hope you and pap are happy. I mostly hope that whatever you’re doing is so much better than trying to make this hell your “normal life.” I miss you everyday. I miss you every time someone asks how I’m doing. I miss you every second of every minute. I miss you ever week when Dr. Annoying asks me how my week is going and what progress I’ve made. I try not to feel like killing him every time he says I should try not to dwell. I wonder how things would be if you were still here. I wonder how things would be if I would have insisted that we stop for a drink or a bathroom. I wonder how excited you’d be to meet Faye and to watch her learn to walk and talk. I wonder how my life will ever feel fully happy again. I wonder how I could have taken all the years that we had for granted. I wonder how mom will ever find someone who loved her as much as you did. I wonder how I’ll ever love someone fully, love them without the fear that one day they’ll be stolen away from me by some fool’s decisions. I wonder how I’ll ever go to the bank and look in his wife’s face without wanting to ask “why. why couldn’t you pick him up, why couldn’t you get him some help. why couldn’t it have been you that was in front of us and not the other way around. why couldn’t he stick to ruining his own family’s lives and leave mine out of it.” I mostly wonder when I’ll stop feeling hurt by passing glances, scattered comments, careless references and confused representations. I hope that one day we’ll be together again. I hope that I’ll get one last hug, one last “I’m proud of you” before it’s all said and done. I hope you know that I love you, that everything I do is influenced by you and that I’ll never stop being thankful for the time that we all had together. I promise to never take my time or relationships for granted and I apologize for this hell having to teach me that lesson. I hope you know that your time here wasn’t wasted and that I’d be honored to touch half as many lives as you touched. Please don’t feel responsible. We know you couldn’t have done anything different. Thank you for being willing to make the sacrifice that deep down I know you willingly made. You saved my baby sister and for as much as I don’t know how I’ve made it this long without you, I never would have stood a chance without her. I know I speak for everyone when I say “thank you” for the time you shared with us.